Be Your Own Saviour Series: On Listening
Creating any sort of meaningful work, and leaving a remarkable legacy stems from your ability to exercise genuine empathy.
Are you really listening to those around you?
This is a fundamental centrepiece of your building your Emotional body. Because if you are not, you are just taking up space, rather than filling it up with value. This can be applied to business as well as to personal development. Are you putting yourself in your customer’s shoes? How about your loved ones?
Empathy is a skill just like any other that must be practiced every single day. Look for patterns by placing yourself in the shoes of those you love most. This helps put context into your empathy by seeing them in their natural environment.
It’s not about just saying that you care. Show it. Breathe and bleed it. Every choice you make is in honor of them.
One of the few things I remember from my time in university was from an Intro to Psychology course I was taking. The professor was talking about active listening, and its power in building strong relationships. He said that most people are not actually practicing active listening. They just look at the person talking, making slight gestures as if they are paying attention.
What occurs is that usually the person speaking shares a thought, and the listener hears something that sparks a thought of their own, which they then await anxiously to blurt out — disregarding everything that currently comes out of the speaker’s mouth. And the cycle continues.
It’s like multitasking thoughts, and body language. I realized at that point, I had done this all of the time. Looking back, I know I still do. But I am much more aware of it when I’m doing it, which makes it much easier to correct.
So having true empathy doesn’t mean waiting your turn to have profound insight and speak over someone. It’s like when my mom tells me that I’m a good listener, simply because I let her speak. I don’t intrude. Hopefully others besides my mom notices this too.
It’s funny how that happens — how you can almost talk yourself into a solution of a problem you have, simply my writing, or speaking it aloud to someone.
Here’s a quick self-assessment you can run through.
Are your eyes averting to the environment, opposed to the speaker?
Are your shoulders square to them, or are you turned away slightly as if you are about to run away from them?
Look at your arms. Are they crossed or stuffed in your pockets conveying a defensive, unwelcoming presence?
Do you nod, “Ahuh”, “Hmm” unconsciously, or do you ask deeper questions such as “How does that make you feel?” or show understanding by saying, “It seems like that made you feel upset.”
Do you intrude their insights and feelings with your “expert” opinion, or do you help guide them along their story by getting them to talk more openly?
Did you get an update? Did you ask them about how they are doing after the previous talk. Or did you forget?
Do you feel like you are waiting your turn to speak?
Empathy is all about understanding someone else’s story. And if you can help nudge that person forward even if just by an inch, you are helping them.
I heard someone tell me, “Don’t compare your chapter one to someone else’s chapter 10.” And I love that because we are all the author’s of our own story. We are all at different points in our lives, and if you can help someone write a more positive story, you are advancing yours as well.
Don’t get me wrong, having an opinion helps move conversations forward, but you need to understand who you are talking to. Some people have much stronger emotional fortitude than others, but by practicing empathy, and patience you will figure out who needs the swift kick, or who needs the shoulder to lean on.
5 Minute Action
1. One of the easiest ways to show that you are listening comes from your non verbal cues such as your posture. When listening to someone next, make sure you have a) eye contact b) shoulders square c) feet facing speaker, and d) hands uncrossed/out of pockets.
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